


Doomed!Trolls: Ironic Executioner

by Doodled



Series: Doomed!Trolls [2]
Category: Homestuck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-15
Updated: 2011-08-15
Packaged: 2017-10-22 15:41:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/239651
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Doodled/pseuds/Doodled
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Drabbles of potential doomed timelines. Except this one is a bit more disturbing, due to the things that Dave will do for irony...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Doomed!Trolls: Ironic Executioner

\-- carincoGeneticist [CG] began trolling twinArmageddons [TA] --

CG: FUCK.  
CG: SOLLUX.  
CG: SOLLUX?  
CG: OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD.  
CG: DON'T SAY HE'S GOT YOU, TOO.  
TA: what?  
CG: OH THANK FUCKING JEGUS.  
CG: I MEAN JESUS, DAMN IT.  
TA: ii thought you only told jokes about 2hiit liike that.  
CG: NO TIME!  
CG: HE COULD BE HERE ANY MINUTE.  
TA: what the fuck are you talkiing about?  
CG: SOLLUX, GET IT INTO YOUR THINK PAN THAT I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS.  
CG: HAVE YOU SEEN FEFERI ANYWHERE?  
CG: KANAYA?  
CG: GAMZEE?  
TA: no ii haven't.  
CG: FUCK!  
TA: what'2 the biig deal?  
CG: OKAY, LOOK.  
CG: YOU KNOW THAT COOLKID DOUCHE?  
CG: THE ONE THAT CROSSED OVER WITH THE REST OF THOSE HUMAN FUCKASSES?  
TA: yeah he's dave.  
TA: what happened?  
CG: HE'S GONE OFF THE FUCKING DEEP END, THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED.  
CG: THE ASSHOLE'S GOING AROUND FUCKING WITH ALL OF US.  
CG: HIS WEIRD TIME SHIT IS GOING TO GET ALL OF OUR FUCKING PROTEIN CHUTES SLIT.  
CG: ...  
CG: SOLLUX?  
TA: are you 2eriiou2?  
CG: WE DON'T HAVE MUCH TI  
TA: tiime?  
TA: kk?

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling twinArmageddons --

"what the fuck, kk?"

Sollux stared at his computer for a good moment, letting the remaints of conversation sink in. Soon after, the meaning of Karkat's words hit, swarming his mind with thoughts as if the implications were some sort of bee-based hammer that had struck him upside the head.

"2hiit!"

He instinctively leapt out of his chair, only barely stopping himself from leaving the respiteblock.

If Karkat wasn't pulling his leg, he'd be in serious danger if he left...

A small ping sounded out.

Checking the computer, Sollux found that Trollian had opened another chat with Karkat.

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling twinArmageddons [TA] --

TA: kk, 2hiit, don't do that to me.  
CG: sup  
TA: what?  
CG: i said sup technogrub  
TA: kk are you alriight?  
CG: hes doin so fucking fine right now  
CG: fine as some bitching wine  
TA: waiit who are you?  
CG: im only the flyest of ironic executioners  
CG: the greatest timetraveller youll ever meet  
CG: come hop a ride on my magic turntables  
CG: and we will fly over the fucking reading rainbow on our way to the rhythmical pot of golden shenanigans on the other side  
CG: youre now my temporal bitch  
TA: what the fuck diid you do to kk?  
CG: he is my timey wimey bitch too  
CG: he was  
TA: was?  
CG: he wasnt cool with taking my magical trip over the rainbow of irony  
CG: so i killed him  
CG: now hes cool with taking it up the ass  
TA: what?  
CG: you heard me  
CG: ive got his little shoes here  
CG: shoving them up his chute harder than politicians used to shove shit up ours  
CG: i would have kept him alive for the fun  
CG: but the little bitch died on me  
CG: fucking pansy cant take half a sword to the throat

This was roughly the point at which Sollux flipped the fuck out and began searching for somewhere to hide.

CG: its hard to find someone to handle the irony  
CG: its hard and no one understands

"2hiit..."

Sollux glanced at the computer screen once more.

CG: maybe ill have more luck with you  
CG: ill be there in a bit

"fuck!"

He had psychic powers, yes... but if this douche had taken out Karkat, Equius, Nepeta, John, Kanaya, Vriska...

Random items scattered about as Sollux searched for something to defend himself with.

CG: then again  
CG: ive got some intel from some pretty biznasty sources  
CG: some pretty fucking awesome dave striders  
CG: who will keep me some pretty delirious company if you dont make the cut

Sollux found a knife, and pocketed it.

CG: theyre all saying that things dont look cool for you  
CG: not even ironically  
CG: but lets find out

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling twinArmageddons [TA] --

The end-of-conversation ping caused a panicked Sollux to rummage even faster.

It came to a halt as footsteps threatened to overtake the dreaded pinging still echoing in his mind.

A shadow leered over him.

"sup."

"get the fuck away from me!"

Sollux whipped around and concentrated all of his psychic power on relieving Dave of his Caldescratch, and launching it across the respiteblock.

However, another Dave was there to catch it, not even ruffling his hair in the process.

"looks like he wont make the cut."

"not ironic enough."

Desperate, Sollux disarmed the second Dave, catching the half-sword himself. He swung haphazardly, barely scattering the Daves enough to stumble his way out.

"welp."

"dont worry."

Yet another Dave appeared from the fabric of the past, blocking Sollux's path.

"he wont get far."

Sollux had wildly thrusted the Caldescratch at the Strider, when a second appeared.

"2hiit."

Sollux swung yet again with the sword, almost tagging the latter Strider, but not quite.

The first Strider clocked him upside the head while he did so, easily catching him off-guard.

Dave had powerful fists. Not quite as STRONG as Equius's, but enough to send Sollux reeling to the floor.

As his spine stopped rumbling from the impact, the same vertebrae began to chill from the maniacal (yet unsettlingly ironic) laughter of the time-travelling Daves.

"you cant escape me, when im time. you cant escape time. you should know that by know. some shitty sburb player you are."

"fuck you, a22hole!"

A Strider foot was brought down on Sollux's head, forcing his face into the ground hard enough to relieve him of his lisp.

"fuuuck..."

"its like youre at some bodybuilders wedding, and she tells you that you gotta stay for the whole time and then some. in other words, youre stuck."

Sollux groaned, dirty-golden fluid filtering through his ex-front teeth, the putrid taste leaving itself on his tongue.

"theres two of you, apparently, but youre really all alone."

The Daves' crows of laughter swarmed through Sollux's hear ducts, making every part of his battered body cringe in one fell swoop, the cacophony degrading his inner spirit and tearing apart his psyche.

"youre trapped. trapped in a never ending birdcage by all these fucking ironic executioners."

Spitting out blood, Sollux made a vague attempt at voicing a vehement objection, but was halted by an unrelenting shoe digging into the back of his skull.

His head hit the ground hard yet again. Sollux was out, but not dead.

When he felt the sword being shoved up his ass, he wished he was.

Shrieks of agony were enough for fate to grant his wish.


End file.
